How I Cheated on Love!?
LOVE!? As a child I long to have an understanding, of this word, and it’s not simple! You see as a Human I have pain and anger in the forefront of my mind. It sits there every second of my being, for a long time I wanted the definition to be what every book and movie described LOVE to be. It was never enough and as I found my childhood to be so imperfect it was everything I could dream of and more. As I sit in front of my laptop staring at this screen listening to the most recent piece of music that has pierced through every wall within my Heart Chakra; I was inspired to write about Love.
It’s not simple, every experience of Love has taken from me just as much as I from it. I’m far from perfect, for some time in space I was lonely and lost within the realms that other people saw for me. This included a few of my past lives. Fear had fueled many of these Journeys. I conquered many of them long ago but for a while I spent years revisiting a few, over and over, and not because I wasn’t ready but more the less because I was afraid to let go, to move on. “What if the next thing was my happiness!?” “What if I could no longer feel the pity from others!”
See, I have to be honest, I Failed a few lessons more than once or twice. I had a friend that grew from these failures, and he was messy and sad! He was not what I had asked for, but he was Beautiful! I fell for him like no other! I knew he was not in love with me that he was using me! But he used to be Mine. Second, we spent time in solitude, allowing the “what ifs” to grow, consuming me while allowing him to grow with powers so beautiful, His strength was an addiction. I was wrecked, bruised, and my weakest point. I had become the fuel for him. I became addicted to his presence, he meant more to me then the essence of my soul. But I Cheated! I had done everything I told myself I would never do.
Sheldon was his name, he allowed me to feel the true freedom of a friend! He at the time was my distraction made me feel Love without the Forcing… Love without the sex. His presence was strength his silence was his power, and yet I could never share my secret he was only allowed to see the person he had freed. Years after gaining my freedom, He stood there next to me once more reminding me that I wasn’t freed! For a long time, I again felt alone. My Dear friend Sheldon gone. He had left a strength I didn’t even know existed, activated Powers I didn’t realized I had until He, my Lover, pushed me to what I thought was the end. As I ready myself for that long-awaited slumber Life threw another experience my way like knowing that at that very moment I would need a cheat code! So again… I cheated!
Perfection was his Game! Manni was his name, a being so perfect he must have come from my dreams. I longed for his acceptance… he saw me! I was so fucked in the head when he came into my life the end was the only thing I wanted, and love was all he had to give. I can tell you that I was happy to have my Love and my Lover both at once, and both not mine and one would use me and I would take from the other. Never once thinking of the consequences!
Manni knew I loved him and he also knew I was cheating and using him… and yet he stayed giving me nothing but Love! Yeah, he gave me money during my years of self-pity, but he gave me more than that, my Manni gave me Love! Again, without Sex I had experienced an unbelievable amount of Love. I was feeling myself at this time, I had become so good at cheating. I was confident and strong now my presence was felt when I would enter a room. You know what they say nothing last forever and if you abuse something for so long eventually you will be left with nothing. Just like that Manni got tired of waiting for me. Once more my old lover came back with opened arms he excepted me back offering nothing but self-pity and disappointment, but I knew this, I had become an expert at this love!... And as Familiar as I had become with him, life had become with me!
She knew my every move before I made it, she knew I wouldn’t be faithful. Cesar was his name, and he was Magical! He was Dance! His love was lustful I fell for him like no other he was even more perfect then my dreams a day would feel like a lifetime with him. and though I shared many secrets with Manni, Cesar had access to so much more, what seemed like a life time of happiness was shared but I was a cheater I kept visiting my old lover on the side! But I was done! I wanted Amazing! I wanted Love! My dearest Friend Life laughed as I told her I wanted to marry Cesar! She told me this time I must show you how to love! I foolishly mocked her, and shortly after Cesar Cheated…I was hit! This is what My past Lovers had felt! I ran! just as they did I wanted to be far away from my Love. I ran again to my Old lover he still didn’t love me, but this was not fake he had always been himself!
I was hurt but my past lover knew something in me had changed. I wasn’t bitter Cesar had cheated I was sad that I hadn’t allowed him in, even though I fell in Love with him so much more than anyone else at the time. I was alone for real this time, my old Lover had become disgusted with me! I Had to much light he said! I had been tainted by Life and she had damaged me! I was to free! I had become so consumed with Me! I couldn’t love him if I loved myself! I was a liar,
I had been too hard on myself, always allowing them to give me Love! I had spent lifetimes Never Loving me! I was fake! Shameless! Abusive and addictive! My lover Depression gave up! He had fallen for me! He had become addicted to me just as much as I had been of him! I Loved Depression more than I had loved anyone and I Cheated, I was not worthy! I was more scared of my future than I had ever been and along came Luke oh was he a looker. His beauty is so addicting but he used it to his advantage with it all Still I felt the Love. The way he loves was something brand new, I became addicted! I knew this would not be sexual, but the love is hard to explain always pulling and using each other with no regrets! Love…
oh Life seems to be the Only one who has conquered Him! As Luke gave me self-awareness, I decided to give in and for a minute in life. I became straight! Devoted my being to Life! As she used me for her doing, she threw a few lessons along the way! I was ready this time! Oh my lovers would be Proud! I was happy! I was strong, Ready! As life and I Sat and chatted one lonely winter night I told her I was Glad I had Cheated on depression! I was glad I had cheated on all of them! For if it wasn’t for them I would not have had the courage to conquer Her! As she stood there looking at me.
I was happy that she was confused! As I gathered myself and stood strong I told her she had to leave! She took everything with her I was left alone and one by one my Exes returned… their last goodbyes brought comfort!
Though I had nothing. life didn’t leave me empty handed, she wrote me a letter that means more to me know then when I found and read it the first time. It read “To my Love, I have watched you for years simply observing and though I know your patterns, you have finally won! I leave proud knowing that I too have left my mark. I love you with every essence of my existence and because of this I gift to you the Love of the One! Chantz is his name and He is Love. The Love that’s to come from this introduction is one I can proudly say belongs to You! The Love of My life.” Love is Magic! Love is Life! Love is Me! I’m truly glad I cheated on Love for by doing so I conquered life concluding to the finding of My Love!
