The effects of loving an Alcoholic

I love my alcoholic! As a child growing up without birth parents cause many problems in my life I didn’t understand this until in my adult years of life. I met and started living with my father at the age of nine he promised I would get my own room and my life would be better. Since I hadn’t had a father this all sounded amazing. When I moved in he nothing that he said was true I had to sleep in the room with four other kids whom as time pass grew to be my brothers and sisters. I noticed my father was a person that drank every day. He would always drink himself to sleep, I honestly don’t think he ever loved me in the way of father and son. He would get so drunk that he would forget the things he said and did. But I was so depended on him, I know I had to because I was the child but it was a bit more than that, I wanted him to be proud of the young boy I had become without him a validation of sorts I guess. One day during his drunk phase he cross the lines in many ways that for this blog I don’t need to get into. However, this expanded my need for codependency.

I know see this back then it was more of a conditioning and I as a child would of course try to fight only to create a scenario that deepened my dependency. In my teen years I felt that nothing I did made him change or made him become the person that I thought he would be. Yes! I know now that you can’t change a person that doesn’t want to change. So forwarding my story I try to take my life because I felt that was the only way out, the grace of the universe saved and felt there was something more for me so I lived through it. Shortly after that the military came to my school to recruit I signed and took the asvab graduated from school and college all within days apart and on my last day of college, I was overwhelmed with an anxiety attack that cause me to literally make a u turn and go into a military recruiting office and I signed up, I threatened my father to signed the papers so I could join and he did so the military took my out of that environment.

While I was in book camp I honestly naively thought things between my father and I had changed but of course when you are living with an alcoholic this is not true. The request for send me money for food for your brothers and sisters I haven’t been working and my codependency was messing with my brain. like wow my father needs me! He is proud of me! He values me! Lol but honestly he needed the money to drink, things never got paid our house got taken away, cars were taken so forth and so forth. After leaving I didn’t want to go back home because I was honestly scared of facing him, revisiting my past one day I did let my codependency pushed me into visiting but I had what I called safe guards, I brought my boyfriend to be exact lol and this made things a bit easier. Nothing had really changed, he was still an alcoholic and still found ways to make me fill bad about my life and what I was doing. I left and honestly never looked back I focused on my career in the military saved money and I was going to change my life. But I didn’t realize that he had placed his name on my bank account until he clears my account to a negative 12,000 on credit cards and late fees.

Even though he and I hadn’t spoken in years and do to my codependency I had placed myself accountable for everything because he was given access by me to my bank accounts, I honestly didn’t do much of anything after the court told me there was nothing that could be done. I went into depression but this did not remove my codependency. In my other blogs that portion of the story continues, however for the need of this blog we will push forward into my life now. I’m currently living and in love with an alcoholic and though I see many of the resembles of my father in him I see all of the potential, I see my codependency I’ve view this as the universe telling me that I didn’t learn my lesson the first time. Looking into where I am now I see that I’m not the alcoholic and without making it sound bad, I’ve grown passed it, I know I’ve tried to help and assist. I understand that my frustration is not because of him, it’s because I allow my being codependent to show face. I needed to realize that I didn’t get with this person for what they could do for me because I had and have been doing for myself, rocky at times yes but it was still me. I have asked myself why do I stay after the falls promises, the stupid and unneeded lies, the stealing of money, the manipulation… I stay because I love him and because deep in my soul I have hope that he will eventually see his own potential. I had to re understand that he isn’t my happiness that portion of our life is mine alone. He has tried and use his family and friends as a distraction as to feed my codependency and it really made me frustrated and honestly I didn’t know why until the writing of this blog. I have found and know myself, I have my own tribe my own friend and the universe created my family, hell, I mean his family adores me as I adore and love them each in my own way. But that’s it I’ve grown, evolved from that child you met at the beginning of my blog yes there will always be traces of codependency and depression in my life but having a handle on me allows me to understand that I’m with my partner not because I need him but because I want to be and because I do truly love him.